Age: 19
Before: 34.5" bust. After: 35.5"
The bust-boosting ring tone sounded strange at first, but after listening to it, it was super-easy to fall asleep. I used to go to the club maybe only once a month, but now I go at least once a week. I've become a better conversationalist, and more animated too! One of the times I went to the club, an artist came over and started flirting with me. After we flirted, I went into the bathroom and listened to the bust-boosting ring again to make myself feel ever more energetic. Although we didn't end up going on a date, we exchanged cell-phone numbers and sent each other text messages. I'm already happy!
Age: 22
Before: 35.5" bust. After: 36.5"
The bust-boosting ring tone sounds a bit scary, like a horror movie. I listened to it while I ate, and after a while it made my appetite decrease. I used to eat a big bag of chips as a snack every day, but after listening to the ring tone I didn't want to eat that kind of snack. The most amazing thing is that in a month my bust grew one inch---I couldn't believe it! Before, I wouldn't dare wear a see-through shirt, but now I wear one with a colorful bra underneath. When middle-aged guys pass me on the street they do a double-take!
Age: 24
Before: 102 pounds. After: 98 pounds.
The weight-loss ring tone is so harsh. It's really annoying! But after I had listened to it for a week, I started seeing results. I don't know why, but the ring tone makes me want to drink and eat less. Previously, after eating dinner I would eat four servings of ice cream in one sitting. Now one serving is enough! My boyfriend promised me that if I lose two more pounds he'll buy me a Burberry miniskirt!
Well...no comment. But what it did make me think of is what would happen if ring-tones that are popular in the US had the same sort of testimonials? Here's mine, for instance.
Age: 26
Before: Six double-oh one. After: Dee oh double-gee.
The 50-cent ring tone is a little bit scary, like being in the hood. I listened to it while I drove, and after a while, I bought my car hydraulics and starting flipping switches. The most amazing thing is that I used to be an MIT nerd, and now I'm an honorary member of G-G-G-G Unit---I couldn't believe it! Before, I wouldn't dare approach any girls, but now when I'm "In Da Club" I get all the attractive ladies! Some of them wear see-through shirts with colorful bras underneath, but their ring tones sound like a horror movie, so I stay away from them. When middle-aged women pass me on the street they do a double-take!
I didn't even get to the Celine Dion tribute yet, either.
* - And subsequently in Harper's magazine, from where once again I lifted them. The translation from the Chinese was done by Christopher Rea.
